I Wanted You Dead, and O' How I Dreamt of It

I wanted you dead, and O' how I dreamt of it
The wind of your last breath warm on my cheek
You are a blight, a scourge on my holy earth
Vile, pathetic, pitiful, weak

I wanted you dead, and O' how I dreamt of it
Cleansed of your curse as you fade off to sleep
Mercy you cry, mercy I never show
But you keep on rising back up from the deep

You say I need you, but I tried to send you away
What good is this mirror, just shards on the floor

I feel your aching, I feel your shame

I don't want this dead weight anymore

I wanted you dead, and O' how I dreamt of it

Until I became the beast from which I was freed

But now I can see clear as the light of day

I was supposed to love you, let you be me

I know I need you, I'm sorry I sent you away

Please bring me the pieces I completely ignored

I'll heal your aching, you heal my shame

I don't want this blind hate anymore

I want you to live, and O' how I dream of it

Throwaway Song

Jessica Williams, you gave me your number but I didn't call
I wonder how you felt while your phone sat and did nothing at all
Well, in much the same way I was lying on my bedroom floor, frozen in fear
The fear that I wasn't worth you, so sure I would hurt you and leave you in tears

It was nearly fall when Autumn called and asked "What was wrong with me?"
I could have died thinking of all the nights she cried while I was sound asleep

She had sky blue eyes, a radiant smile, and she made me laugh

But I didn’t love myself enough to love someone who might love me back

You glow like a fresh snow reflecting the moonlight on a clear winters eve

I know you're not flawless, but everything about you is perfect to me

After all these years, after all this pain, I wish that I could be strong

But I'm still the same, the things I should just say, become lyrics in a throwaway song

It's the same old story

Come and sing along

I'll play it again I'm sure

It's just a throwaway song

Forever

Orange moon sinking slow
You taught me everything I know
Damp fall air and ocean's glow
You're still with me everywhere I go

Silent stars floating passed

Fireflies like mirrored glass

Fast asleep in shaded grass

A treasured moment never lasts

Is it bitter, is it sweet

To be lightning on the sea

When there's no one on the shore

To stand in awe of the thunder's roar

Oh my god what have I done

What will this formless void become

How many beautiful things can I see

Before whatever’s left of me

Fades away

My Favorite Way to End

Can you feel my thoughts
Dancing all around you
I can't make them stop

It seems there's nothing I can do

They keep me up at night

Like rain drops on a tin roof

Together they're a song

Almost as beautiful as you

You are the black hole
Towards which all my planets spin

Ever swirling into you

My favorite way to end

So let's begin

Just pull me in

Version of You

Hello, scared and helpless child

I know it's been quite a while

I'm here because I know your pain

You can't escape what you still contain

It's always in your most lonely moments

When you're feeling lost and wholly hopeless

You come to meet the one who saved you

The heart that held the pain that made you

Who you are

More than scars

You did only what you knew to do

What didn't kill you still pierced through

You held the shield that hurts to hold

Bought some safety with a bit of your soul

Right now it feels like the end is near
But one day this path will look so clear
And there's one thing that will always be true
You're the only one who gets to be the version of you

That survived

You're alive 

And you're so damn strong 

Undertow

Girl behind the screen
I see you in my most terrifying dreams
Where the smile on your face
Brings light into my darkest place

The world is a beautiful place
A little more so since I came across your page
I wish I wasn't so afraid
But you made feel strong and brave

Sorry I didn't come by
I wrote this poem to tell you why
I felt the undertow
The sweetest currents pulling me below

Maybe I should've just let myself drown

I'm Ok

This is the empty moment where I used to stop and pray
It's there as a reminder that I'm helpless everyday
My instincts tell me something that the past has proved untrue

Everyone you show up for will do the same for you

I say nobody knows me but I'm the one who set the scene
The world outside is watching only what I let them see
Apparitions passing by floating careless through my life
Blurry photo in my phone they don't even try to hide

I'm frozen by the choices I'm still choosing not to make
I'm haunted by an army of the chances I don't take
So drown me in the river that was supposed to cleanse me
Until I find my way again I'll stick to just pretending